Hello world. The following was written 6/29/2014.
I had just finished doing the workbook section of A Course in Miracles with a "teacher" who was not who they professed themselves to be. When I would ask if they were upset with me, they would say no. If I would share my own experiences and the understandings I was getting, they would tell me I was wrong and confused. That I did not know what I was talking about and that they were the teacher. This cause me so much internal angst, pain and suffering that I truly thought I was loosing my mind. I was being given visions, hearing voiceless voices, feeling the emotions, pain and suffering of those around me. When I would share this I was told I needed to seek medical help and get on some pills. They would negate my natural abilities as a deficiency that needed to be eradicated. Because I perceived differently I was broken and needed to be fixed in their mind. This caused me to step away from them and anyone else who would try to enclose me into a box of their making….
"Man I feel as if I just had an entire outhouse dumped on me. Listening to someone I know to be a liar and a hypocrite is just too much. I am actually feeling as if I have been violated by that person. Especially since I know they are not what they pretend to be.
I am no longer willing to hear your lies and hypocrisies as Truth. I see it for the twisted Egoistic lies that they are. You spew forth the ego as being enlightened Holy Spirit. You tell me I need to see as you do. Think as you do…I am sorry. Forgive me for not being willing to walk with you through your self imposed nightmare. I am no longer willing to take what you say as Truth. I see your lies for what they are and that Truth is not willing or able to change to your twisted logic. If I never see or hear you again I am completely alright with this. I have no room in my life for your Egoistic thought system.
I listen with my heart not my mind. As your words wash over me I hear not the meaning you give them but the emotion you attach instead. That emotion speaks more of Truth to me than the words you use. When I feel the lie being given to your words I feel as if I am being stabbed through the very center of my being. My entire being curls inward to a fetal position to keep from being physically sick at the lies I am hearing. I literally gag as if someone is shoving fecal matter down my very throat. It is all I can do to not vomit that very moment. When I hear an untruth my Spirit feels as if it is being drowned in it.
I don't accuse, I asked questions. The answers I was given was that it is all in my head. I am imagining it all. I did that for an entire year. I fought within myself to try to think and believe as you stipulated I should. Then you tell me everything I was feeling and perceiving was spot on the mark Truth. How then can you expect me to keep negating the Truth within myself? I no longer can. Truth is Truth…my Spirit will accept nothing else.
A clearing away of the vice gripping my heart chakra. As my Husband spoke to his mom about what he is experiencing he said something that triggered a deep response in me. He said he was so glad that her and another person believed what he was perceiving. They validated his feelings. His perceptions are mine and have been mine from the beginning of all of the drama. The difference is that he didn't believe me when I spoke the Truth. No one believed me when I spoke the Truth. Not as a child and not as an adult. They all told me I was thinking and perceiving wrongly. This created so much pain and anguish I thought I was loosing my mind. I was constantly doubting myself and what was screaming out Truth to me. It had me doubting the faith I place in God.
As I told my Husband what I was perceiving… That when I am speaking the Truth no one listens. Instead they accuse me of thinking wrongly. Then when the Truth is there in their face they still negated what I perceived. Is it any wonder I am so f'ed up in the head? So caught up in an emotional turmoil over what my heart perceives and what the mind is being told to perceive? Truth is Truth. I cannot afford to keep ignoring it. If I do it will destroy my Soul's peace.
What we seem to be doing here is judging what is or is not of benefit to us. Our FREE WILL is GOD'S WILL, because everything we experience and the world is experiencing is for our benefit and the worlds benefit. Everything we experience is gauged to get us to look at what it is we are thinking and believing in to be True. To look at everything we believe defines us and this world around us. When we, each of us, willingly go within and look at these experiences we learn the Truth of the choices we made. That we are the ones judging all we experience as other than it is. That we are the one accepting another's judgmental beliefs as being True for us in the moment.
What brings peace within is accepting and allowing the understanding to come of the choices we make. When we see the Truth of these choices we can then choose again and choose differently. These judgments we make are based off of our core beliefs taught to us from birth by our care givers. They judged what they did not understand out of fear. They taught us to fear those same things. Just as their parents taught them and their parents before them. It is a vicious cycle that is repeated until someone in the line decides to break the chain. They choose to look at what they have been taught and see it for what it is. In letting it go in lieu of Truth they then pass on this knew belief in place of the old."
I stepped out of the patterns I was taught to conform to and believe in. I stopped negating the abilities I have because someone else told me they are evil. I started accepting myself and what I was experiencing and perceiving without judging it. I started asking questions of Spirit about my experiences and what the lessons within them were. As I did all of these things I began to heal on all levels fully. Diseases disappeared, pain and suffering disappeared and my confusion fell away. I began to understand fully how all is for my benefit and that I would not be who I am if I had not been through all that I had.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.