Hello world. The following was written 7/12/2015. 

I was looking at some of the things I was experiencing and feeling regarding the situation we found ourselves in with our home. How lost and angry I felt at the situation we found ourselves in. The nightmares we go through on our journeys that have us tied in knots confused at all we experience.

"Good morning world. Yesterday I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I was able to eat some toast before heading out to spend the day with my family. We were celebrating my Mother and my Aunt's birthdays. On the drive out with the family I found myself hanging out of the car tossing my cookies. We had to stop five times for me to unleash my stomach on the road. I haven't gotten car sick like that in years.

This morning I woke up at 6 AM. I found myself worshiping that porcelain God until about 7:30 AM. I finally fell back asleep, until around 10 AM. Even now my stomach is trying to protest the toast I have eaten. Add to this the drama unfolding in our personal lives and I ask myself is it any wonder I am feeling so sick inside.

We have been living in a nightmare with no idea as to how to get out of it. Our "lender" lost our contract for the purchase of this house within months of us signing the contract then installing solar panels, appliances and doing some fixing up of the place. In their minds there is now NO contract. In their minds this makes us a renter. Without a contract we don't have a leg to stand on legally. This makes us beholden to whatever they choose to dictate with very few options out of it.

In the last few weeks we have been getting estimates on doing repairs for the home we are supposed to be buying from this family member who now considers us renters. Upon receiving these estimates our lender has refused to do the work needed saying it costs to much. This has been going on in this vein for 4 years and running since they lost that contract. We cannot do anything without their permission and when asking they deny us. My Husband reached his limit with that response. He let them know we can no longer live under these conditions.

Yesterday our lender informed us they are raising the payment amounts for our home. They are raising the "Rent" as they put it. This morning they informed us they want to move in a worker and his family into our home so they may do the work needed as cheaply as possible.

Every ounce of my being is rebelling at the thought of complete strangers moving into my personal space for days or more likely weeks or months. I am feeling great resentment and anger at this relative. So much so that I feel my ego wanting to come out and become a vindictive bitch. To call the city and complain about this lenders/landlords slumlord attitude and actions. To watch them be fined and even have this house condemned if that is what it takes. No one should have to live with black mold, leaking roofs, falling tree branches and fences that have to be attached to the house in order to keep them standing upright. They are demanding that we grovel at their feet, constantly telling them how wonderful they are and how appreciative we are for everything they have given us.

In truth all they care about is making money off of us at every opportunity. They want us beholden to them in any way they can make it happen. They have proven that they do not love anyone but themselves and what money they can get from us. They are being greedy, abusive, controlling, and manipulative. With family like that who in the fucking hell needs an enemy? They keep calling everything they do a gift. Gifts do not come with strings attached ever.

Father we do not know what any of this is for. We only recognize this is not what we would want for us or anyone else. What would you have us do? Where would you have us go? What would you have us say and to whom? I do not like the amount of enmity I am feeling towards all of this. I understand there are things being misperceived in all of this, whether it be the perceptions of others or myself. The amount of harmful intent I am perceiving coming from this relative has me feeling as if I am being backed into a corner. The feeling is a life or death fight or flight. The more they push the more I want nothing more to do with them ever again. They are killing any affection I may have for them with every word and action they make.

Feeling sad and helpless in this situation. What would you have me do Father? I am feeling so lost in this…"

Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.