Hello world. The following was written 10/22/2015.
Through the looking glass a reflection stares back at me that I have never truly seen. A visage of flushed cheeks rosy from rosacea. Glassy eyes still clouded with the morning events. The internal struggle of feeling helpless in the wake of those closest to you battling their own personal demons. The mental and emotional demons telling us this is life or death…Make your choice now…
My mother is a 20 year cancer survivor. Yet she is still battling this disease and it's side effects daily. Her liver and kidneys are failing now because of the Chemotherapy she went through. Now they tell her she must undergo another surgery or she will not be here in 5 years… For the past 3 months I have been helping her as best I can.
The irony here is that I may have only five years left to get to better know who my mother is as a person. To see her without the blinders of childhood memories or society's dictates. In this, I have been learning she is no different than I am. She thinks, she feels, she experiences everything the same as me. Lately when we speak she talks to me as her equal. She too is starting to see much of her life differently. We both recognize we only have now. Nothing else is promised.
I contemplate this journey I am on. How helpless I feel when faced with the thought of those I care for suffering. My son being halfway around the world going through his own trials. My Husband, Alex, working his processes and the pain and suffering that comes with looking at all of it. Not being able to do anything more than just being here in the moment to offer my love and support in silence.
I look at this reflection and am seeing the skewed views we have of ourselves and those around us. I see the disconnect that happens as we disassociate ourselves from what we judge. The fear that comes as we judge ourselves as lacking in some way. This reflection is so much clearer than the fogged view one sees with. The judgments and beliefs we hold onto cloud our ability to see with true vision. To see that this is Heaven if we only choose to see it. It is a choice.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.