My weird on display here. #pleasebekind
062918 dream last night
I woke into this dream in a strapped-in seat, inside a large travel vehicle, like a van. There were tactical people there, uniforms again, hard to determine like other recent dreams, but they also seemed more casual.
There was one other woman I could clearly see up the aisle but she was..like an escort. She had short brown hair and some makeup on, she seemed to have no qualms about her purpose being to entertain the team members but I also got that she actually was part of the team, somehow enrolled in this same unit.
She made eye contact at one point with me, as she was climbing over the seats to the right to flirt w/another member of this group towards the front. I saw disdain? or dislike? in her eyes for me. She did not like me. Also felt she was defensive, as if she felt judged by me and that I was an outsider to this group who did not belong there.
Alongside the walls of this vehicle there were these large black/charcoal colored mattresses,maybe full size? that were embedded into the walls, like hideaway/murphy beds but visible, like mattress squares on the walls. The vehicle itself was like a wide bus, approx 15ft? wide, length could have been 40ft? and I could not see ahead where it ended but there seemed to be light coming from the front as if there was a big window ahead.
I did not recall immediately what the mattresses were for (they did not have an apparent frame), until the commander/captain? team head? pulled one down like a Murphy bed.
I think they were intended for resting in transit but also used for "recreational".
The commander? captain? team leader? was the person who helped me out of my harness, and was seated in front of me, but his seat faced forwards, where mine faced sideways and seemed singular (his was a bench style seat to my left, facing front).
He was young/30-40ish, bald/shaven head?, anglo-saxon, hawkish nose, dark blue or dark eyes. Not unattractive but forgettable. He had light eyebrows and I remember his forehead/receding hairline looked shiny. Some red to it, like the vehicle was warm and he was flushed.
I had a mixed feel from him, as if he was both good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant.
As he was taking my harness off he had climbed behind me a bit. When he adjusted? or fixed? the strap? (something on my uniform?) in front of me (it had straps and could have been other dress but seemed like a uniform), he inappropriately caressed a part of my breast and laughed softly, and I felt like he knew I could not make an issue of it without risking my tentative position/purpose with his team.
I was NOT part of his team, but another branch or connection.
After he did that weird caress I remained unsettled, reminded that I was in a situation where things could go very wrong with this individual and this team. Shaky connection. I was not comfortable and he was fully aware of it, despite my trying to act otherwise.
He made a show of pulling down one of the drop-down mattresses and I felt sick to my stomach.
I was anxious that he was going to demand something from me, like the escort.
He was sensing all of this, seemed like he was inserting subtle reminders towards me so that I would abide his rule(s?) on this trip.
Not too long after we exited this scene and were at a marketplace type bar. The colors were rust orange on the walls, the people milling about, some inebriated.
Alot of men in half-dress uniforms mixed w/casual clothes, though no one was bare-skinned or dressed skimpy. It had a feel of both r&r and a brothel, with shopping, eating, and some entertainment available but it was closed off for this specific team and others like it, like a private location. It was not a public venue.
There was another girl, blonde, shoulder length, feathered hairstyle, fair skin/freckles, who had apparently been in the vehicle with us earlier, somewhere up front I think, but I had only seen some of her hair, earlier over the seats, not knowing the gender.
She also gave me a vibe of knowing why I was there, and at one point it clicked-I was trying to secure my husband's return/safety?
She, like the rest of the team, was somehow connected to this plan of mine, though they seemed unwilling to have me along. Like the other girl she had some disdain for me and also my husband, as if we were not on the same side.
I am married in real life but this did not feel like the same person when this husband was referenced in my dream-mind.
At one point this woman indicated she knew where he was and I grabbed her by her lapels/front uniform shirt, shoved her against this pillar that was also a display for what appeared to be either children's or gawdy/plastic jewelry.
I could see a set of earrings that have little lion cubs, maybe made of clay? on them to the left of her. I was close to her face and she had fallen up aginst the display so these were falling off the display near her face. Alot of the jewelry on the pillar had white plastic backings that I remember from the 80s.
She is kind of smirking this aggressiveness of mine off and this is where it gets weird for me.
I tighten my grip on her and I say "you think because I'm civ trained I won't [hurt?] you to get him back?" (civ trained? think I meant I was not in the military) and she somehow conveys my troubled youth, almost insinuating that they all know how screwed up I was in that role? and what was I going to do, cut myself again? There was a sense that what happened when I was growing up was done to me and she knew it and was gloating about my powerlessness. I got the sense she agreed with what was done to me.
(So, long explanation/cliff note here..in real life, I started drinking/using when I was 14. Everything at that age went to hell in a handbasket, my choices and experiences to numb from abuse w/extended family and other abusers was almost on autopilot.
I acted in many ways like someone who had no choice, both in my choices and in bad situations where I was actively harmed by being obedient. I was passive in situations with people that harmed me that honestly horrify me now. Many of these happenings were prior to drinking and many more followed after, but they always felt like the walks to the beach-as if in sleepwalker mode, but wide awake. I attributed them to drugs/alcohol and worked through them over the course of decades (got sober very young, age 21)
At one point I was cutting and trying escape my experiences because I felt I had no control over my life and what was happening. I tried to use my father's little jar of "indian ink" to make tattoos with those cuts, too. I was also writing and drawing prior to and during this time.
More recently, I had a memory triggered about vans that would transport myself and a few other classmates from primary school to somewhere I cannot recall. I became a stickler about memory at some point, because I could not recall anything from my 1st grade year but could from before, in kindergarten and at my house before school, and after.
I also had other memories resurface recently about being in GATE for several years (2x a week) but only having a few memories of actually being in class. One memory had me outside my class, and me and another person looked upset and I felt very anxious. Another memory about a paper-cutting test. I remember the testing initiative, where it was located at the school. They asked me if I would commit? and I think I signed something and they made it seem like I was an adult making this choice for myself ( I had to have been between 7-9?). My mother said when I was entered into it, my brother became upset. He told me recently he wasn't, but my mom remembers otherwise. My brother said he did not join GATE because he did not want the extra homework added from the GATE program. My brother also drew extremely detailed fighter jet diagrams and I never knew how he knew how to do that at such a young age, though he shrugged it off later. My AF father advised us STRONGLY to avoid the military, having separate talks with both of us as teens.
Those school vans I mentioned were darkened inside, like the windows were mostly covered. I can remember feeling myself bump my shin/knees as I try to climb up into the van so I was very young. As I slid across the seats in the back/there were a few rows, I moved fast, and I could feel there were dividers in these seats. I remember rushing because we had to get in quickly and did not want to get in trouble.
There were a few other kids getting in behind me, I could feel them but we were all quiet and there were already other adults in this van waiting.
There was a woman who is always connected to this school experience and others w/GATE but I think she is just an escort to the van in that memory. I remember she was not a teacher and my mom told me recently she was a school psychologist. I remember her clothes, she wore dresses w/over the knees boots, had squared off french manicure nails, and had big hair. She was of mixed heritage. She had a voice that sounded like she had a bubble in her throat. She sometimes wore dress suits. My mom said the other staff did not like her and it was because she acted like she was better than other staff there. She corrected me haughtily about how to call her "Mizz" not Miss and I can remember hearing her talking to me on occasion, annoyed and expecting me not to speak as if I was a child but to speak like an adult. It was weird. I loved school and it was a public school. It was where I got away from my parents fighting and I also loved to learn until the preteens came and the remaining GATE class experiences I had felt jaded somehow.
As a preteen and right before I started drinking/using is also when the years my night walks to the beach began, another long story, but it feels connected somehow to this.
This is all falling in w/high strangeness as far back as me remembering being in my mother's belly, my mother seeing me in two places and showing up and fading, and all the wackiness around nocturnal happenings and paranormal.
I've been sober, coming up on 25yrs now, none of the bad choices I made are something I blame on external influences but these recent experiences and dreams are affecting me in unexpected ways)
So, back to my dream and this woman..I got so vicious then, it was unreal. Definitely not my way in waking life.
I suddenly felt like I understood all the stuff that I had been surrendering to in those years of hardship in my life, and later taking all the responsibility for it, but it was like it was not all that it seemed .
It was not all organic, stemming from my own sovereign choices. In that moment of exchange, in this dream, I split into two observers. Me here in waking, and me "there" in another mindset of awareness. I felt betrayed and used and furious.
I told her "I'm going to cut strips out of you until you tell me where he is. You think I cut myself (she had referred to that from my teens) because I was [weak]?..I cut myself to practice how far I can cut you without killing you. That was practice".
I felt like some training had crept in with that, as I did not want to do that to anyone but if I had to find my husband, I would. They/her and the team were definitely not telling me everything was my sense.
Honestly, I feel sick writing that. Like, from a psych bent, it sounds nutters and vicious. To my adult mind it sounds like an excuse for what happened to me and the poor choices I made/responded with, and/or it sounds like some side of me is a vicious monster.
I have always sensed this kind of second persona and I know it sounds dissociative but it is not. It is like an autopilot that comes forward but I am not switching out of "me" into some other person-it is like the feeling you get when you haven't done something for awhile but then when you start, the body goes into muscle memory. Only this is mental, like I am allowing this part of me to be present. It is almost like tapping in to some other life skills or mindset. It has saved me on a few occasions so I do not hate it but it makes me feel unsure of things at times.
The rest of my dream I wandered around trying to locate info about my husband. There was a booth, maybe an entry to something or a clearance desk, and there was a guy scanning these long bracelet type cloth things on people. I saw one girl get it scanned and it showed her name on it afterwards, and so I walked up and did the same, but my bracelet said my husband's name, as if it was his gear I used to get into this area.
I woke up sometime later, I cannot recall the rest of the other details from the dream. Woke up feeling ok but not ok, if that makes sense.
Just wanted to get this out of me.