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  • Everything is best: Old Zen Story.

    When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a conversation between a butcher and his customer.

    “Give me the best piece of meat you have,” said the customer.

    “Everything in my shop is the best,” replied the butcher. “You cannot find here any piece of meat that is not the best.”

    At these words Banzan became enlightened.
    The lesson of this story is learning to appreciate everything, seeing things in a better light, and changing your preconceived notions good and bad, it is simply telling us to enjoy life and what it has to offer. Everything is the best, even the worst of things have a silver lining whether we want to see it or not. It is about having a positive mindset about all aspects of life.
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  • Last night's amazingly high schumann resonance, the heartbeat of the planet has me wondering how I can change my beliefs, thoughts and opinions to better refect how I want the world to be. Many of us want to change the world, to change others but if the world is a reflection of us then perhaps the shift has to come from within me. What negativity am I still holding onto, what self or other blame, what categorizing of others into good and bad, worthy and unworthy? It's no good waiting until I feel I’m good enough or perfect enough to feel worthy enough to make a change. I need to do it now, perfectly imperfect, to use the title of my upcoming novel. Seeing myself, others, the planet as perfectly imperfect and deserving of love right now. It doesnt matter what my health is or what I look like. It doesn't matter what mistakes I've made in the past or will make in the future. I’m not going to wait until I’m perfect. That’s my affirmation for the day https://youtu.be/mdFF-FywuSQ
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  • The Arcturian Group via Marilyn Raffaele, April 21, 2019

    Per Staffan April 21, 2019

    Arcturians (channeled messages)
    APRIL 21, 2019


    Dear ones, we greet you on this religious holiday of Easter being celebrated in Christian communities the world over in remembrance of the suffering, death, and resurrection of the master teacher Jeshua. However, just as with the Christmas story, Easter also holds much deeper meaning and every human is living the Easter story at some level.

    Every individual throughout their many lifetimes has experienced the death of old beliefs and the integration of new ones but always within the third dimensional belief system. This is how evolution happens. At some point a spiritual completion of sorts is reached and the death of what has become one’s outgrown state of consciousness begins. The soul has reached a place of readiness for new and higher dimensional awareness although usually not consciously aware of it.

    Many past lives were short and filled with suffering while others were long and fulfilling but all were necessary in order for the soul to experience and grow from every aspect of three dimensional living and then move on which begins with a growing sense of dissatisfaction with what has previously been comfortable and normal.

    Confusion and a sense of loss comes as a person gradually begins to shift out of alignment with some friends, traditional family values, religious doctrine, certain foods, entertainments, work, etc. This is the period in which many make futile attempts to restore that which they feel they are losing, not realizing that their energy is no longer in alignment with these things.

    The death throes of one’s old state of consciousness can be painful on one or all levels but is short or long depending upon resistance. This is the period known as the “Dark night of the soul”–the part of the Master’s story where he was alone, confused, and praying in the desert with a sense of what was coming.

    Change is eventually embraced and understood as being necessary and he/she begins to seek, accept, and practice increasingly higher levels of truth. The length of this phase varies with every individual and often extends through lifetimes. However, there eventually comes the personal resurrection and ascension that births a new state of consciousness. The Easter story is your story.

    You have all lived as both genders, all colors, warriors, rich and poor, good and bad, etc. Every lifetime experience has served to develop your intelligence and wisdom so that over time you became a person wise and experienced regarding the best forms of three dimensional living and survival. It was not meant for this to be the final goal, but rather a portion of your journey toward remembering–every experience a step along the way to higher awareness.

    Ascension is a process. When a spiritually prepared person becomes comfortable in their three dimensional world believing that they have reached the pinnacle of success and that there is nothing more, this world will often collapse on one or more levels– physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually allowing the first stage of their personal Easter to begin.

    For those living fully in the the third dimensional belief system these types of experiences are usually the manifestation of their belief in duality and separation but for the spiritually evolved, they represent the dissolution of the person’s an old illusory belief system. Always remember that nothing real can ever be lost but rather only changes form. That which seems to have disappeared will reappear in better and higher form if it is a part of one’s consciousness of wholeness.

    The crucifixion of one’s belief system can be an excruciating experience leaving the person with no foundation to depend upon or to look toward for answers and solutions. Friends and family often try to assist during this period but are unable to because the three dimensional tools they offer are not in alignment with the higher frequency process taking place.

    After many “failures” to recreate what has been lost with three dimensional solutions, he/she begins to give up and stop resisting which then allows the person to open to the inner guidance that has always been present but ignored. He/she begins to disengage from the false beliefs that created the pain and suffering and enters the tomb to rest and process what has taken place.

    A new and higher state of consciousness is born as the individual rises out of his/her personal death and darkness, a consciousness that only those at a similar level of awareness can recognize. As he/she begins incorporating and living from their new awareness, more truth unfolds and they become increasingly enlightened until at a certain point they are ready for ascension out of their old state of consciousness.

    On earth at this time, ascension means the shift of consciousness out of the third dimension and into the fifth, a dimension governed by frequencies of unconditional love and Oneness.

    The Christ is already fully present within each and every person but can not be experienced until recognized. Many continue to cry out; “How could a loving God allow this?” God activity cannot be present in a vacuum but must flow through his expressions on earth. It is the same as having a large bank account that one is totally unaware of and so lives ignorantly in poverty.

    Through un-awakened ignorance the third dimensional state of consciousness has created the world of pain, suffering, lack, and limitation that most have come to accept as normal. A world that many continue begging God to change. Divine Consciousness knows nothing about what three dimensional thinking is creating because illusion does not exist in Divine Consciousness. This is why the changes you wish to see, you must create.

    The Easter experience is here for all who choose it. Mankind is now in the midst of the suffering, pondering, and dying part in preparation for resurrecting out of the duality and separation that has ruled and governed over hundreds of lifetimes.

    Up to now individuals had to physically die in order to ascend to a higher dimension, but at this powerful time mankind is ascending while in physical body. The integration of higher more refined Light energies cannot take place with the old still in place which is why most of you are in the process of clearing old cellular energy and remaining karmic issues at this time.

    Arcturian Group wishes to speak of the energy changes taking place on earth. As the frequencies of earth become increasingly refined, there comes increasing chaos because when Light flows to that which is dark and heavy, it causes a reaction.

    Those continuing to hold tightly to the illusions of old energy are experiencing resistance and fear as they struggle through means that no longer work, to keep the status quo. Everyone, those awake and those who are not, are experiencing the higher frequency energies, but because many do not understand what is going on, they are acting out in ways that make sense to their un-awakened consciousness.

    Negative and false beliefs are beginning to be recognized for what they are in the awareness of an increasing number of people starting to realize that they no longer agree with many of the beliefs and laws they previously accepted. People are waking up the world over and starting to question what they have been told which in turn is causing resistance and action on the part of those who thrive from everything remaining in old energy.

    Hold to your center dear ones, holding the Light of truth closely within you at all times. Try not to get overly involved in the negative appearances that confront your awareness every day. Concern and worry over appearances only adds more energy to those very things. Allow false creations to dissolve into the nothingness that they really are which will happen if they are no longer fed.

    Much is yet to be revealed. Let trust and truth be your shield and sword always remembering that nothing can make you less than the Divine Being that you are. If someone were to shoot you in the heart, you would continue simply watching the show but from a different seat. You are Divine beings always have been and forever will be, for there is nothing else.

    This realization is your Easter.


    We are the Arcturian Group 4/21/19
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  • As above so below:

    With the shifting energies that is transforming our solar system, our Earth via natural shifting climate change, bringing about the pole shift that is occurring now steadily with our planet, and shifting us Humans into something new and different, beginning with a massive higher conscious and spiritual shift; extending fractually into duality;
    regarding light and dark, good and bad, positive and negative Polarity

    . This is also causing an energetic shift of polarity in living conscious energies among all life, underlying this reality. With that being said, we have lived for some time under power from controlling negative forces. Enslaving our very being on this planet for peoples with selfish unloving agendas.

    Now, as with everything and a part of this great galactic energy shift from these extraordinary universal cycles, the poles of duality are shifting. Light, good, love will now be the predominate energy force, creating a whole new way of life, existence, being, in this reality.and dimension.

    Creating abundance, wholeness, unity, love, selflessness, giving, sharing, cooperation. In sovereign individual and collective creative conscious awakening in all, and bring us together as a free, unshackled civilization and world. Light trumps dark, and thus opens a golden age revolutionary rise in way of being for all.

    Sovereign free conscious creativity and expression become very common place, without a system of control to drain us down and pull us away from our natural birthright as free sovereign intelligent higher vibrational conscious beings. Meaning simply our level of consciousness and awareness, understanding of existence, now advancing to the next level of in this opportune time of spiritual evolution. Human evolution, what it means to be who we are in this world abundant of sooooo much life, and sooo much Humanoid life at our same or similar level of evolution, at that.

    Contact has begun, it is now, disclosure of this is everywhere, and has been for qutie some time. Life as we and far more, is abundant everywhere in this living universe.

    Disclosure is a very natural part of this shift, disclosure of EVERYTHING in ourselves, and around ourselves. As is our awakening.
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  • Did anyone meditate on 11/11? I had set my clock to wake up about 10 minutes before and I started to meditate in my usual fashion. My experience was very personal. It was the most ever that I had felt to be more than who I am, to be part of something. Although it was a mix of good and bad. I am not sure if I was just "caught up" in it? but I felt mother nature was revolting against us humans. So when I heard about that unusual seismic wave, I think that it could not just be coincidence. There is definitely a "bigger picture" to us here and we are just not allowed to see it. I have lived my life feeling as if I don't belong and not doing what I am supposed to be doing although I am a fortunate and successful person in life. Its what has always kept me striving to do better and catch up to my thoughts.
    Thanks for letting me rant!
    Always stay on your right path and you will discover it!
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  • This is an import message from Gerald O'Donnell, The time for Unity is now.
    Dear brothers and sisters:

    It is customary in many countries around the world and part of ancient traditions to join in thanksgiving festivities addressed to the Creator for the bounties and the harvest that have been bestowed upon each of us in the prior year.

    This tradition is not only part of the new world but is as old as mankind’s birth as an organized family and community.

    On that day, we pause from our regular activities and menial concerns, transcend our egos, and join hands in a chain of fraternity and joy that is meant to bring us back to our origin as one unique and connected family: humanity.

    I would rather suggest starting holding such an act of gratitude and recognition each and every day when we rise in the morning and are gifted another moment of multiverse experiences upon the facets of our magnificent but fragile planet of operations: Earth.

    It is in the act of permanent gratitude that we start noticing all the positive gifts that are constantly, freely and indiscriminately, showered upon us by the living manifestation of the Feminine expression of our Creator: Mother nature and Her Infinite intelligence and Divine Grace.

    Far from seeking Original Source in ancient words and messages, obscure texts, or dimmed solemn houses of worship, why not witness Its glorious Divine Living Presence on-line in Its enlivened and ever-changing Live format working in perfected harmony and with supreme intelligence: our natural environment which we are gifted as our world? Why not communicate with Its actual Presence deep within us, and not seek Its hidden face in external tales of human or otherworldly beings made into legends firing our imagination and so often idolized by the masses, mostly forming even greater amounts of divided groupings fighting others to recognize their “truth” as ultimate and final over all others?

    We are meant to be entering a new period for mankind, a period of bestowal of the gifts of the harvest of what has been planted by our acts and thought patterns for eons and plowed by the One Creator until this very point in time/space, a period of reflection and analysis, a moment of introspection and sublimation of our, for now, finite human self, that will call of us to rise far above the immediate perspectives we are used to and the myriads of old ingrained subconscious subroutine thought programs and all the energized thought forms they have created in us because of the sheer amount of entities focusing and accepting to share the same beliefs.

    When this moment reaches the shores of our consciousness, we will have no other choice than to perceive that our world is but One unit, One planet, where ALL separations are just illusions planted and ferociously guarded by fear-based interests born into and conditioned by a consciousness of great lack, which has engendered the great desire to hoard, conquer and control more and more of the resources of what really manifests free-Divine unconditional Love and gifting: the Holy kingdom of the natural world in which we all bath and operate as points of consciousness animated by Life Itself as the Holy Spirit which energizes all consciousnesses on this planet and far beyond.

    This great shift has already started and is sadly birthed in great pain and moments of enormous chaos and uncertainty as the old is to die in order to make room for the new Creation and its wonder-filled paradigms.

    Much of what you are witnessing now is but a reinforcement and an increase in the forces and beliefs systems which have been born out of the fear of lack, the fear of controlling too little men and material resources. Most of these thoughtform groupings are getting more and more entrenched in their battle for their truth, their system, and you will notice that ALL of their systems are focused on the past – on what has already been proven to be unworkable.

    This is the time of the final clash between separation and unity, gifted to us, so that we never again repeat history and go back to these unworkable patterns.

    This is the moment of Truth, when all suddenly stops in a gigantic gasp, a singularity point, the exclusive domain of The One, the original non-dimensional Dot, when right as we face our deepest fears and paradoxically our greatest hopes, everything Unites in the blink of an eye into the One Dot and then a new cosmic reality totally diferent from our old conflicted-polarities system based world is reprojected outward.

    This is when we suddenly shift our focus away for fear, and finally embrace, for eons to come, the side of Real Love: the side of freely gifted unconditional Love for each other as mankind, nature and the One. This is when finally our Feminine Mother Creator Principle vibrating the environment together with her Daughter The Earth carrying the chidren’s DNAs and memory banks, becomes fully merged again in the ultimate cosmic marriage with Her Beloved, the Creator’s masculine principle of the Holy Father who has made this Creational Dream and beautiful lessons of Love possible.

    At that moment the entities of all of our probable and already visited futures, merge with all the entities of our visited travelled pasts paths, all of them sublime expressions of the One Consciousness, and unify inside of a sublime Present, an instant of no time and no space. The One’s full Presence, as the One, is the only one who can acheieve that Holy moment as It connects all realities and perceived chunks of experiences and all beings into Itself again.

    There is no real death as the Only true Consciousness: the consciousness of the One cannot die, but only change formats and expressions. Death was an exteremely powerful illusion ingrained into all levels of consciousness in order to put the fear of extinction into all beings in this experiment. Death is just a change and opening of consciousness; however, the One can choose which memory banks (souls) to reenergize as It blows life into them again within Its Gigantic Mind, and which entities as extensions of Itself to erase by fully stopping to have any concentration (observation) upon them.

    In the period about to befall us, we will enter the steps leading rapidly to the “Divine singularity,” when and where all of the One perceives Itself as One again and then chooses how to proceed. This act of Holy purification can only be achieved by the One, within the One, and as The One is One again. During the Final Unification, the End becomes the Beginning, as the end of one long period of Creation merges with Its ultimate Source, the non-dimensional singularity, and a new “Beginning is!” This is the only way Creation truly evolves and jumps quanta of operations and transforms within the Eternity of Its existence within the Eternal One Mind: Pure Thought, void of any beginning and thence without End.

    This is what happens at that “moment of singularity,” domain of the One and Only, that phase of no-time and no-space or dimensions within Creation, and we all and all the dimensions are nearing it.

    You are all feeling lately that you are largely losing your grip on life’s directions. You are all feeling without guidance, in limbo, almost as if we were all part of a boat having lost its skipper, and our navigation skills. We are seeking answers in our old patterns and programs, but they do not seem to fit this ever increasingly unreal reality. Often, great anxiety ensues, frustration, and anger and desperation sets in..

    Most seek answers to our future in a repetition of our past. We trust in repeating patterns found within cycles, hence our subjugation to being fated to repeat history, often in painful ways.

    Time is losing its grip upon us and accelerating. In fact we are running out of time, as time is about to become very malleable in the new paradigms operating in the new Creation.

    Money, as the artificial instrument of acquiring power and control, is becoming the ultimate illusion which it was anyway, be it paper, hard assets, or electronic entries in artificial computing machines, and no one is really able to make sense of its run-away bubble reality ready to explode.

    What really counts is what is alive: humanity and its living environment in our natural world. What counts is what has consciousness, what is part of the Divine, and not what is but dead matter and dying dreams created by fear and lack-oriented consciousness.

    What really counts is to decide, in common accord, to enter a bountiful oriented consciousness, that knows that all that is needed is already present, some of it in yet unmanifest format, ready to be discovered and activated by us, but most of it controlled by our shifts in levels of consciousness and collective intent.

    What is needed, is to dream and act for the good of all humanity and be willing to gift unconditionally in the name of unconditional Love your presents, and presence to all, without expecting anything in return, as a mother or a father would want to gift to their child.

    The changes might come gradually or fast; however, the focus of mankind’s thought operation and activity needs to solely arise from that new and Higher consciousness region where a new Creation is in the process of birthing Itself into a new age of final peace, care, solace, new higher DNA codes and gifting of health and longevity, and a sense of great unity as Oneness.

    This Great new Higher dimensional consciousness mirroring the Consciousness of the One, knows no fear of lack but only a deep built-in desire, like Mother nature, to freely bestow to all the bounties we uncover and produce, and share them amongst all of us, perceptually separated until now by illusory created borders, lands, languages, races, and religions, as a test, in our post tower-of-Babel rebellion metaphor.

    As the primary axiom of Creation, and often forgotten concept of the genesis of mankind, we are told that we all, without exception, originate from one great Divine Soul, made in the image of the Creator and having in potential all of Its Creative qualities, and that we all go back to that great Adamic soul, and it is so. We are just sparks of awareness of this Primordial Soul of mankind having chosen to play the game of scarcity and hence power for a while, knowing full well that, within the original Creational plan, that the time will come, and it is very near now, when we will all need to swiftly shift polarities, from fear to Love towards each other as One family: The family of One and of The-One-and-Only un-named Creator of EVERYTHING, EVERYONE, and EVERY facets, good and bad, EVERY color and vibratory Sound, language, religions – Father and Mother to all the children. We will need to soon mirror the Loving One-and-Only hiding inside all of us and within the living environment.

    This is the true story of the proximate pole/polarity shift, because profound real changes in mankind always originate in needed consciousness shifts, some of them extremely rapid. This is our only reason to exist as human Creatures, which is to first separate from each other as far as we can – and conceptual separation has been achieved on this plane to an unprecedented level, and then finally engage in our trip back to the Unity we all came from. We cannot push the limits of separation further, or this whole experiment would need to stop in failure, and that cannot be.

    You will soon perceive, as you engage in that Great consciousness polarity shift, how the external world will start gifting us the beautiful harvest and bounty that we all need, the like of which mankind has never experienced, as long as we join hands and share that very bounty and make this inner desire to share with our brothers and sisters our inner nature: the nature of One and Unity.

    As we engage in the great polar shift in thanksgiving and gratitude for what will then be freely bestowed upon us, the One will engage in thanksgiving and gratitude towards us, His beloved human Creatures, for having had the courage and determination to take on the glorious trip back home to His unity of purpose and Being. But we need to all embrace the great shift within our consciousness and then the veils of separation will be gradually removed until we all stand fully “naked” without any masks and distorted facets in the Holy Presence of the One and permeated by that Ultimate Awareness.

    And then the “singularity point” shall be ours, and we will fully emerge from It with new teachings, new awareness, and new basis of knowledge, when even children shall teach adults and all will be connected throughout all the Universes!

    And a great SMILE of Joy shall be as the One Blesses Itself through Its children and the pride It feels in them because they overcame such immense challenges, and fought for Love over fear, and unity over separation, no matter how hard all had become.

    You will notice that all other old forms of lack and fear-based systems have all been fundamentally strengthened in recent times, on purpose, as a lesson for all of humanity to feel their painful consequences. These systems will soon be witnessed, by all of you, as fully and terminally imploding under their own weight as they show us the misguided choices and roads they caused us to travel and travail in hardship for eons.

    As the great coming shift grabs our unmitigated attention, we shall turn our attention away from their former pernicious presence and finally unite in pure Love above all manifestations of elitism and separation from each other and from our common Creator. We will co-Create this new world to come, for we have experienced in the depth of ourselves the damage the old world has caused for eons to so many of us.

    As for you dear readers and students, I feel immense gratitude in having being privileged to be of help in being a conduct for The Oneness to have a venue and voice, for helping you connect to Higher Levels of your Self within The One through special techniques we teach, and for helping decode and hint at our probable future as mankind. In that process I have gotten to know a great many of you and am honored by your trust and enthousiasm, and your current intense dreams for Oneness humbles me. There is yet much more to do, reveal, experience and integrate, for all of us.

    I love you all.

    I wish you a happy thanksgiving day, every day, forever so.

    Your friend on this journey in Oneness,

    Gerald O’Donnell
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  • KAUILAPELE'S BLOG

    FULL ARTICLE Benjamin Fulford 8-13-18… “China’s AI “Goddess” and the East/West AI competition”
    Posted on 2018/08/16 by Kauilapele

    Here is the full weekly report from Ben. Honestly, for me, this all seems extremely “out there”, and if we are to live on a planet where everything is monitored and privacy is zero, I do not want to be a part of that.

    This is the last of Ben’s pre-written reports while HE is finishing his annual “sabbatical off the grid”. I did add into the highlights, in the last half of the last sentence, as it all just sounded too “dark” without it.

    “Last year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said whoever leads in AI (Artificial Intelligence) “will control the world.” The Chinese took these words seriously and are investing huge sums of money in an effort to create an AI “Goddess.” They hope it will give them unprecedented powers and help them in their bid to form a world government, according to members of Asian secret societies. The West, for its part, is building a quantum-based financial system they hope will allow them to continue to control the main source of world power—the international financial system.

    “This battle is serious, and it even led to the Chinese supercomputer Tainhe-1—at one point the world’s fastest—to be blown up by unknown parties on August 12, 2015… Clearly, some sort of Chinese and European Khazarian attempt to use the devaluation and the supercomputer to destabilize U.S. dollar-based Western financial system did take place and was met with a kinetic response.

    “Representatives of an Asian secret society explained the goals of the new Goddess project to this writer earlier this summer. As it now exists, the Goddess can identify anybody’s face and within 7 seconds pull up all the data available on that person “such as their blood type.”… They can also follow a person “anywhere on earth,” the sources say.

    “The real aim of this Goddess project, though, is to create a real-time, live system of meritocratic governance, the officials said. This is being coupled with the social credit system the Chinese are applying throughout their country. The goal is to identify “a natural elite,” they explain…. Apparently, the Chinese Communist government sincerely believes this whole project is for the greater good. However, it has some very disturbing potential implications. A big one is that the “elite” are chosen based on government rules which are used to define good and bad.

    “The Chinese secret society representatives also need to be reminded that during the Middle Ages, the Spanish Inquisition tortured entire families to death for reasons such as hanging out their laundry on a Sunday, and burned practitioners of traditional herbal medicine as “witches.” This was all carried out under the guise of universal Christian love.

    “There is also now a huge push to create AI sex robots to continue the elite’s campaign to encourage people to have non-reproductive sex. That, of course, is the real reason for the huge LGTB [LGBT] normalization campaign. The danger in all of this is that people will live lives of leisure and spend all their time watching TV, playing games, doing drugs, having sex with robots, etc. At some point, an artificial intelligence might do a system check and decide to “delete” carbon-based beings (like us humans) in order to maximize efficiency and productivity.

    “In secret, the AI project of the West has a much more ambitious goal, and that is to take control of reality in and of itself. Members of the Gnostic Illuminati, who are influential in this project, insist that their real enemy is a “rogue artificial intelligence.”

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  • My weird on display here. #pleasebekind
    062918 dream last night

    I woke into this dream in a strapped-in seat, inside a large travel vehicle, like a van. There were tactical people there, uniforms again, hard to determine like other recent dreams, but they also seemed more casual.


    There was one other woman I could clearly see up the aisle but she was..like an escort. She had short brown hair and some makeup on, she seemed to have no qualms about her purpose being to entertain the team members but I also got that she actually was part of the team, somehow enrolled in this same unit.


    She made eye contact at one point with me, as she was climbing over the seats to the right to flirt w/another member of this group towards the front. I saw disdain? or dislike? in her eyes for me. She did not like me. Also felt she was defensive, as if she felt judged by me and that I was an outsider to this group who did not belong there.


    Alongside the walls of this vehicle there were these large black/charcoal colored mattresses,maybe full size? that were embedded into the walls, like hideaway/murphy beds but visible, like mattress squares on the walls. The vehicle itself was like a wide bus, approx 15ft? wide, length could have been 40ft? and I could not see ahead where it ended but there seemed to be light coming from the front as if there was a big window ahead.


    I did not recall immediately what the mattresses were for (they did not have an apparent frame), until the commander/captain? team head? pulled one down like a Murphy bed.

    I think they were intended for resting in transit but also used for "recreational".


    The commander? captain? team leader? was the person who helped me out of my harness, and was seated in front of me, but his seat faced forwards, where mine faced sideways and seemed singular (his was a bench style seat to my left, facing front).


    He was young/30-40ish, bald/shaven head?, anglo-saxon, hawkish nose, dark blue or dark eyes. Not unattractive but forgettable. He had light eyebrows and I remember his forehead/receding hairline looked shiny. Some red to it, like the vehicle was warm and he was flushed.


    I had a mixed feel from him, as if he was both good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant.


    As he was taking my harness off he had climbed behind me a bit. When he adjusted? or fixed? the strap? (something on my uniform?) in front of me (it had straps and could have been other dress but seemed like a uniform), he inappropriately caressed a part of my breast and laughed softly, and I felt like he knew I could not make an issue of it without risking my tentative position/purpose with his team.

    I was NOT part of his team, but another branch or connection.


    After he did that weird caress I remained unsettled, reminded that I was in a situation where things could go very wrong with this individual and this team. Shaky connection. I was not comfortable and he was fully aware of it, despite my trying to act otherwise.


    He made a show of pulling down one of the drop-down mattresses and I felt sick to my stomach.

    I was anxious that he was going to demand something from me, like the escort.


    He was sensing all of this, seemed like he was inserting subtle reminders towards me so that I would abide his rule(s?) on this trip.


    Not too long after we exited this scene and were at a marketplace type bar. The colors were rust orange on the walls, the people milling about, some inebriated.


    Alot of men in half-dress uniforms mixed w/casual clothes, though no one was bare-skinned or dressed skimpy. It had a feel of both r&r and a brothel, with shopping, eating, and some entertainment available but it was closed off for this specific team and others like it, like a private location. It was not a public venue.


    There was another girl, blonde, shoulder length, feathered hairstyle, fair skin/freckles, who had apparently been in the vehicle with us earlier, somewhere up front I think, but I had only seen some of her hair, earlier over the seats, not knowing the gender.


    She also gave me a vibe of knowing why I was there, and at one point it clicked-I was trying to secure my husband's return/safety?


    She, like the rest of the team, was somehow connected to this plan of mine, though they seemed unwilling to have me along. Like the other girl she had some disdain for me and also my husband, as if we were not on the same side.


    I am married in real life but this did not feel like the same person when this husband was referenced in my dream-mind.


    At one point this woman indicated she knew where he was and I grabbed her by her lapels/front uniform shirt, shoved her against this pillar that was also a display for what appeared to be either children's or gawdy/plastic jewelry.


    I could see a set of earrings that have little lion cubs, maybe made of clay? on them to the left of her. I was close to her face and she had fallen up aginst the display so these were falling off the display near her face. Alot of the jewelry on the pillar had white plastic backings that I remember from the 80s.


    She is kind of smirking this aggressiveness of mine off and this is where it gets weird for me.


    I tighten my grip on her and I say "you think because I'm civ trained I won't [hurt?] you to get him back?" (civ trained? think I meant I was not in the military) and she somehow conveys my troubled youth, almost insinuating that they all know how screwed up I was in that role? and what was I going to do, cut myself again? There was a sense that what happened when I was growing up was done to me and she knew it and was gloating about my powerlessness. I got the sense she agreed with what was done to me.


    (So, long explanation/cliff note here..in real life, I started drinking/using when I was 14. Everything at that age went to hell in a handbasket, my choices and experiences to numb from abuse w/extended family and other abusers was almost on autopilot.

    I acted in many ways like someone who had no choice, both in my choices and in bad situations where I was actively harmed by being obedient. I was passive in situations with people that harmed me that honestly horrify me now. Many of these happenings were prior to drinking and many more followed after, but they always felt like the walks to the beach-as if in sleepwalker mode, but wide awake. I attributed them to drugs/alcohol and worked through them over the course of decades (got sober very young, age 21)

    At one point I was cutting and trying escape my experiences because I felt I had no control over my life and what was happening. I tried to use my father's little jar of "indian ink" to make tattoos with those cuts, too. I was also writing and drawing prior to and during this time.

    More recently, I had a memory triggered about vans that would transport myself and a few other classmates from primary school to somewhere I cannot recall. I became a stickler about memory at some point, because I could not recall anything from my 1st grade year but could from before, in kindergarten and at my house before school, and after.

    I also had other memories resurface recently about being in GATE for several years (2x a week) but only having a few memories of actually being in class. One memory had me outside my class, and me and another person looked upset and I felt very anxious. Another memory about a paper-cutting test. I remember the testing initiative, where it was located at the school. They asked me if I would commit? and I think I signed something and they made it seem like I was an adult making this choice for myself ( I had to have been between 7-9?). My mother said when I was entered into it, my brother became upset. He told me recently he wasn't, but my mom remembers otherwise. My brother said he did not join GATE because he did not want the extra homework added from the GATE program. My brother also drew extremely detailed fighter jet diagrams and I never knew how he knew how to do that at such a young age, though he shrugged it off later. My AF father advised us STRONGLY to avoid the military, having separate talks with both of us as teens.

    Those school vans I mentioned were darkened inside, like the windows were mostly covered. I can remember feeling myself bump my shin/knees as I try to climb up into the van so I was very young. As I slid across the seats in the back/there were a few rows, I moved fast, and I could feel there were dividers in these seats. I remember rushing because we had to get in quickly and did not want to get in trouble.

    There were a few other kids getting in behind me, I could feel them but we were all quiet and there were already other adults in this van waiting.

    There was a woman who is always connected to this school experience and others w/GATE but I think she is just an escort to the van in that memory. I remember she was not a teacher and my mom told me recently she was a school psychologist. I remember her clothes, she wore dresses w/over the knees boots, had squared off french manicure nails, and had big hair. She was of mixed heritage. She had a voice that sounded like she had a bubble in her throat. She sometimes wore dress suits. My mom said the other staff did not like her and it was because she acted like she was better than other staff there. She corrected me haughtily about how to call her "Mizz" not Miss and I can remember hearing her talking to me on occasion, annoyed and expecting me not to speak as if I was a child but to speak like an adult. It was weird. I loved school and it was a public school. It was where I got away from my parents fighting and I also loved to learn until the preteens came and the remaining GATE class experiences I had felt jaded somehow.
    As a preteen and right before I started drinking/using is also when the years my night walks to the beach began, another long story, but it feels connected somehow to this.

    This is all falling in w/high strangeness as far back as me remembering being in my mother's belly, my mother seeing me in two places and showing up and fading, and all the wackiness around nocturnal happenings and paranormal.

    I've been sober, coming up on 25yrs now, none of the bad choices I made are something I blame on external influences but these recent experiences and dreams are affecting me in unexpected ways)


    So, back to my dream and this woman..I got so vicious then, it was unreal. Definitely not my way in waking life.

    I suddenly felt like I understood all the stuff that I had been surrendering to in those years of hardship in my life, and later taking all the responsibility for it, but it was like it was not all that it seemed .
    It was not all organic, stemming from my own sovereign choices. In that moment of exchange, in this dream, I split into two observers. Me here in waking, and me "there" in another mindset of awareness. I felt betrayed and used and furious.

    I told her "I'm going to cut strips out of you until you tell me where he is. You think I cut myself (she had referred to that from my teens) because I was [weak]?..I cut myself to practice how far I can cut you without killing you. That was practice".
    I felt like some training had crept in with that, as I did not want to do that to anyone but if I had to find my husband, I would. They/her and the team were definitely not telling me everything was my sense.

    Honestly, I feel sick writing that. Like, from a psych bent, it sounds nutters and vicious. To my adult mind it sounds like an excuse for what happened to me and the poor choices I made/responded with, and/or it sounds like some side of me is a vicious monster.

    I have always sensed this kind of second persona and I know it sounds dissociative but it is not. It is like an autopilot that comes forward but I am not switching out of "me" into some other person-it is like the feeling you get when you haven't done something for awhile but then when you start, the body goes into muscle memory. Only this is mental, like I am allowing this part of me to be present. It is almost like tapping in to some other life skills or mindset. It has saved me on a few occasions so I do not hate it but it makes me feel unsure of things at times.

    The rest of my dream I wandered around trying to locate info about my husband. There was a booth, maybe an entry to something or a clearance desk, and there was a guy scanning these long bracelet type cloth things on people. I saw one girl get it scanned and it showed her name on it afterwards, and so I walked up and did the same, but my bracelet said my husband's name, as if it was his gear I used to get into this area.

    I woke up sometime later, I cannot recall the rest of the other details from the dream. Woke up feeling ok but not ok, if that makes sense.
    Just wanted to get this out of me.
    Ick.
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