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  • Be A Team Leader

    Bitcoin exchange rate has fallen. What to do? A familiar situation and a familiar question. But that is not the point; the Bitcoin exchange rate will obligatory rise soon. This is not scary.

    You will have other questions very soon. What if a quantum computer becomes everyday reality? What to do when the level of "medicine for the rich" comes close to immortality? Do you think all this is very far away? If so, then I think you're wrong.

    I don’t want to convince you of anything, but if today you ask the question “What to do?”. Then I have one answer for you. Be the Team Leader. Be a teacher, an assistant, a lecturer for your friends, relatives and even strangers. In this case, you will also help yourself.

    And now I propose a few practical steps in order to achieve this goal.

    1. Take a decision to become the leader of your team. If you do not, then you cannot move on. If you already have your own team, then I recommend joining the Solidar.Club project. A very large number of team leaders are already participating in this project, and you can join them or create your own team.

    2. Start learning all the materials that other team leaders are working with today. For example, my CryptoNetLeader team works with these projects https://levelnaut.com/cryptonetleaderrus and does it very successfully.

    3. Share experiences and information. If you think that today you can achieve good results by working alone, then you are very deeply mistaken. If you decide to work on the Internet, then only a large group of specialists can cope with a huge army of scammers.

    For example, in our club not only a very careful selection of projects takes place, but also our Support Service works in very close contact with the management of all these projects and their Support Service. You can exchange information either in our groups and chats https://levelnaut.com/2019/09/22/skype-and-telegram-chats-of-solidar-club/ or at our conferences in Zoom at https: // us04web.zoom.us/j/4815214745 You only need to follow the schedule of meetings.

    4. Remember the main slogan of the Solidar Club project - We do not just earn or invest, we build business relationships and position teams. We share the club’s profits from all projects, to all club members. Therefore, do not forget to register on the club's website, join a team or create your own.

    This project has started yesterday only http://t.me/millzsystembot?start=263448005

    Boris Siomin,
    levelnaut.com
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  • Dear Lovelies! I'm wishing everyone a wonderful #NewSuperMooninLibra weekend! The #NewMooninLibra wants harmony, beauty, balance. Let's all do our best to be there, shall we?

    Yet, this New Moon in lovely Libra also is opposing Chiron the Wounded Healer (who is retrograde in Aries.) So rather than a focus on new relationships, this particular New Moon is reminding us of past ones that have been traumatic & need some closure: not only love or romantic relationships, but childhood wounds & past life traumas are bubbling up in our consciousness for our attention & tender healing.

    It may feel bittersweet, or maybe just bitter, or perhaps annoying~~but just BE with it a while & feel what you must feel, face what you must face about old ego's & things that have taught us but no longer serve in order to honor & then release, release, release them!
    This New Moon is bringing us these memories in order to help HEAL & EVOLVE us!

    Hopefully my dear Ones, you've already checked out & been doing the #FlowerofLifeMeditation! I LOVE this meditation. It is so simple, powerful, lovely & reports are~~ effective! 


    https://youtu.be/pfSHPHaoPJA
    (Guided Audio in English—11 more languages in the sidebar!)

    The Light Forces are still asking everyone to meditate as often as you can & as often as you feel guided to assist in stabilizing the energy grid around the planet utilizing Flower of Life meditation!

    So we are asking those of you who resonate & who can, to join in a #MASSMeditation using the #FlowerofLifeMeditationEvery4hours! Join them ALL or join in any one or more them as you are able to or feel so guided!
    Description, directions & links to guided audios here:

    https://www.facebook.com/events/537728996768272/

    In this post linked below from the #WeLoveMassMeditationblog, there is a table so you can see what the scheduled times are in your part of the world!

    https://www.welovemassmeditation.com/2019/09/flower-of-life-meditation-every-4-hours.html

    Please feel free to do this meditation ANY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT!

    & really Dear Hearts? A beautiful #NewMooninLibra. Venus is in her home sign of Libra & sextile to Jupiter!
    #WalkinBeauty Beloveds, & #BELOVE!

    Thank you to all who are joining your energies to help create harmony, protection & peace for humanity & all other living beings!

    Thank you everyone! SO MUCH LOVE!

    #ZeevaAmrita
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  • Dear #LightFamily: Tomorrow is the #FullMoonEclipseinCapricorn & yes, there will, of course, be a #GlobalMassMeditation!
    Do take advantage of these intense energies & join in #meditation with people around the world to utilize the energies of many focusing in as ONE, experiencing a powerful #UnityConsciousness.


    This is a #PartialLunarEclipse, & will be visible from Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia, Pacific & South America.

    My dears, a Lunar eclipse acts as a more potent Full Moon— its effects last longer than a regular Full Moon—we’ll be feeling the effects of this one for about six months.
    Eclipses are portals & this one can bring up old wounds & karma to clear—so use this time to do your #ShadowWork, be brave, face yourself honestly & LET GO of the old so you can allow in the new!




    Because it’s on the Capricorn-Cancer axis, our attention will be focused on two points: safety & authority. It will affect Capricorn & Cancer the most, followed by Libra & Aries.

    With this Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in these two signs, you may find yourself in a battle between willpower & fate—of course when you realize that we all have FREE WILL, you know you can CREATE your fate! Make space, choose well & CREATE!


    The Moon will come to exact fullness at 9:39 pm UTC—for USA friends this is 5:39 pm Eastern time, 4:39 Central, 3:39 pm Mountain, 2:39 pm Pacific 


    
The Partial Lunar Eclipse Mass Meditation is at 9:30 pm UTC
    for USA friends this will be:
    5:30 pm Eastern time, 4:30 pm Central, 3:30 pm Mountain, 2:20 pm Pacific

    
for the Guided Audio in English:
    https://youtu.be/voXqjbxeOHs

    
Playlist for Guided Audio in many languages:
    http://bit.ly/2Xwqe33 




    My dears be aware that this is a time when things that have been brewing under the surface come to light.
    The polarity between Capricorn (public life, responsibility, achievements, reputation, accountability) & Cancer (private life, attachment, family &/or our roots, nurturing) will find us dealing with the balance between #UnconditionalLove & conditional love.
    This is an important lesson. Are you ready?


    This Full Moon Lunar Eclipse can give many of us a cosmic push to make the change we want to BE, to purge the old that is no longer needed by our Higher Selves, so that we have a clear path to move FORWARD.

    It may affect relationships in a dramatic fashion: some will be broken (no regrets, no looking back.) Some will be powerfully challenged. & some will be strengthened tremendously. 


We will find that what does come up on this one will be a culmination of our intentions that we sowed back in January 2019. In particular, issues related to work & family can come to a head. If we play our cards right, we may find ourselves experiencing liberation. Onwards & upwards my dears!

    See you in the ethers! 

I LOVE YOU!


    Zeeva Amrita

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  • My latest: Ideally Imperfect

    Alys, who renames herself Gratia early in the book, suffers from defensiveness. It's destroyed her marriage and lost her relationships with her father and friends. Not liking her life she determines to turn her it around, one piece at a time, to create a new reality.

    This is the third in the series "The Martian Vampire Chronicles", and a continuation of the world created in "Lefthand Adventures." Favorite characters will appear, including faeries, delphines, the Shang, the Lemurians, The Malakim and immortals of Boswell and Mars and of course the baddies, the Din, led by Sakla. However I hope I've included enough backstory along the way that the book can be read on its own.

    I wanted this story to be about reality creation and self acceptance. For Gratia that means coming to terms with the loss of her mother, early in life, finding a way to balance her hormones and her defensiveness, recognizing her potential, her true interests and her capacity to love beyond the bounds of what she was raised to consider as acceptable.

    It is a story of an individual finding peace with who they are and making the most of it. About blossoming into a life unknown and unexpected.

    Those who have read the first book of the series, "An open connection of the heart", will recognize the main character as someone who had life changing impact on Callan. When his wife refuses counselling he determines to do it himself, learning how to manage her as best he can, to defuse situations that might make her explode in anger. To avoid the triggers. But his counsellor, Leigha, warns him that it won't make the problem go away. And she was right. Having done all he could Callan ends his marriage and ends up living in a caravan, living on two minute noodle, until... well that was book of the series.

    So why did I rework Alys into this story. Purely and simply a writer's compassion for one of her characters. I couldn't leave her as she was. There had to be a more positive future for her.

    So if you read Book 1 I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive Alys and enjoy, as I have, her journey into becoming Gratia, short for gratitude.

    You can find the book at all good online vendors, eg:

    Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/941906

    Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Ideally-Imperfect-Martian-Vampire-Chronicals-ebook/dp/B07SG8W95N

    Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Arwen_Jayne_Ideally_Imperfect?id=EtaaDwAAQBAJ&hl=en
    Ideally Imperfect, an Ebook by Arwen Jayne
    Her marriage long ago in ashes, her father estranged, disliked by many, Alys stands on the deck of her home, looking at the stars. It’s time for a change. Time to be grateful for what she does have. Volunteering her skills at the local online access center she meets another refugee of fate. Their strong bond of friendship will be the start of a rollercoaster ride to creating their own reality.
    WWW.SMASHWORDS.COM
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  • Guided to post this message.

    "Meanings of "Mannaz"

    Man, Humankind - .ifate.com/rune-
    Description

    Mannaz symbolizes all of humanity, joined together for the purposes of attaining a common goal. On a more personal scale, Mannaz may represent our circle of family and friends -- and the common goals which unite us. An intertwining of man and woman is also referenced here, and a combining of their souls into a single entity.

    On a philosophical level -- Mannaz reminds us that we are one. All purposes and goals ultimately flow into a greater purpose which is shared by all mankind.

    How to Interpret "Mannaz"
    Mannaz represents a group of people, most frequently the community immediately surrounding the individual -- and often references the ways in which that group perceives the individual in question. Friends are being made and a community is being formed and served. The individual is giving a part of themselves up for the greater good.

    The appearance of Mannaz often indicates that assistance will come from others. This rune may also refer to a spiritual community, such as that of a church or a religious group of some kind; the individual may be interacting with this new community soon. The appearance of Mannaz frequently signifies the intensification and betterment of the person's relationships with people and community.

    This often refers just to social relationships, rather than business or romantic relationships. The appearance of this rune suggests that the important factor may not necessarily be the individual but the people in his or her immediate sphere of contacts.

    While many runes deal with the individual, Mannaz is a reminder to step back and consider a larger group -- the family or community. Mannaz also directly relates to an individual's place within a community, how he or she performs, and how he or she is perceived.

    Water Water Water and Not a Drop to Drink

    Original Water, water everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink

    Lines from “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. The speaker, a sailor on a ship, is surrounded by salt water that he cannot drink.

    Have a Great Time!
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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5z855Z2iFwI

    - https://isha.sadhguru.org/g

    The question is not about what you like. The question is about does everything around you like you, have you made yourself in such a way that nobody can help liking you? You like something, you dislike something, it doesn’t mean anything, because both what you like and what you dislike are two different kinds of bondages. Both what you like and what you dislike distorts (distort?) your perception. If you like somebody, you’ll exaggerate them in your mind. If you dislike somebody, for sure you’ll exaggerate them in your mind. Exaggeration means you’re unable to see things as they are. If you’re unable to see things as they are, you can never handle life the way it should be. So liking and disliking exaggerates either in positive ways or in negative ways, but it exaggerates or it distorts life. So what you like is not important. Have you made yourself in such a way, not just people, just everything likes you, every creature around you likes your presence, even the flowers, the plants and the trees like you?
    ‘How can the plants and the trees like me?’ They’re very sensitive to who you are. They’re extremely sensitive to who you are. They respond accordingly. If you make yourself in such a way that the very earth that you walk upon likes you, then you will see everything in your life will become a blessing. If everything around you dislikes you, you will see everything that could be a well-being could become a curse. Right now there is no curse sitting upon human life. It is things that people want, it’s things that people aspire for, things that they work for, strive to have in their life, which turns (turn?) into curses in their life - their work, their property, their relationships, their own body, their own mind which is the cancer of their life. Misery is not raining. Never it’s raining misery. It’s just that things that you like have become source of misery.

    If you strive to make yourself in such a way you cannot be helped… nobody can help liking you, life will blossom better, everything will yield their best to you, not their worst. But if you go by what you like, not always life will yield its best; you may have everything and still have nothing.

    So spiritual process is not about pursuing what you like, it’s about striving to make yourself in such a way even the birds like you, the squirrels like youit’s about making yourself in such a way that every atom in this Existence likes you, wants to yield to you. If Existence does not yield to you, you do what you want, nothing will work in real sense. You may do something, you may become something, you may earn a living, you may make a living, but nothing will happen. You will just go through a cycle without nothing tremendous touching your life.

    For those of you who’re living in the ashram, I want you to learn to stand, walk, sit, breathe, in such a way that even the stones around you like you. ‘How do I know whether they like me or not?’ You will know for sure. If you are sensitive about being like that, you will also know you will also be sensitive enough to know that. You… If you are never sensitive about these aspects, you will not have the sensitivity to know, otherwise distinctly you will know.

    Do not become in such a way everything has to be shouted into your ears. You must become in such a way if you look at somebody before they speak, you know. For this, you need a certain sense of receptivity. Receptivity will not happen to you if you’re too full of yourself. The less you are the more you receive, the more you are less you receive. If you’re too full of yourself, nothing bigger than your nonsense will happen to you. If there’s no such thing as ‘myself’, you simply sit here, the whole existence will dance within you, you will become an instrument of the Creator, otherwise you will be a bundle of thoughts, emotions, prejudices and rubbish.

    This is the choice every human being has - either to exist here as a limb of the Creator, as a Ishanga we’re calling them these days (Laughs), or to exist here as a bundle of thoughts, emotions and nonsense that you have gathered. This choice is available to us every moment of our life continuously choosing, continuously choosing to be like that. If this striving is there it will deliver you to a different place of gracefulness, where every stone, every pebble, every rock, every tree, every atom in the existence speaks to you in a language that you can know, otherwise you are alone in this vast existence feeling constantly insecure, unstable, psychologically challenged. This is the choice. It is not a gift, it is a choice. One makes the right choice, right things will happen; one makes the wrong choice, wrong things will happen. It’s a very fair and just existence, I want you to know. It doesn’t spare anybody. It doesn’t spare anybody. It’s not like a social structure that some people can get away with wrong things. In this existence it doesn’t spare anybody. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you jump off the roof, the earth will break your leg. Yes? Raja Ranka Fakir (Laughs) (Referring to Kabir’s song, indicating all kinds of people) everybody - nobody is spared. (It?) doesn’t matter who you are, no exemptions, and nobody is barred. anybody who is willing, for everybody the possibility is open. For everybody the stick is also there. You make the right choices everything is open; make the wrong choices everything will knead you in a different way.

    So if pain comes, suffering comes, misery happens it’s not time to look around. This is always the problem. If you’re miserable, you think somebody else need (needs?) to be fixed. No, no, no, no. If you’re miserable, this (Referring to oneself) needs to be fixed, not somebody else. ‘No I’m miserable, fix the situation for me’. No, no, no, if you’re miserable, who should be fixed? If you are sick, who should be given the medicine? Shall we give it to somebody else when you’re sick? If you’re hungry, shall we give the food to somebody else? No, it only works if you give it to this (Referring to oneself), isn’t it? If food is like that, medicine is like that, is that not true with every other aspect? That if you’re miserable, something else or somebody else need not be fixed, only this one (Referring to oneself) needs to be fixed. Just to understand this simple fact, people take lifetimes. (Laughs) They think something else has to be fixed.

    On a certain day, Shankaran Pillai went drinking with his friends. Yogis and drunkards both are timeless, you know. They don’t know the passage of time. He went drinking. He intended to go back home at 8’o clock, but drink after drink and time… he became unconscious of time. When he looked at the watch (Gestures) (Laughter), it was 02:30 AM. So he thought it’s really late, and he wants to get back home quickly so he took a short cut. And he was walking through his shortcut on his unsteady legs and he fell into a thorny bush. The whole face was scratched up. So in this condition he went home and tried to find the keyhole. That took another half-an-hour. (Laughter) Opened, went inside, went into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror, he was bleeding all over the face. So he opened the medicine chest fixed himself whichever way he could and quietly crawled into the bed and slept. Morning 8’o clock, his wife took a bucket of cold water and threw it in his face; he got up. Said, ‘You idiot, once again drinking?’ He said, ‘No honey, I haven’t touched a drop. Six months ago when I promised, since then I haven’t touched a drop.’ She held him by the shirt, dragged him into the bathroom and showed him, the band-aid was all over the mirror. (Laughter/Applause)

    It doesn’t work like that. Only somebody who is completely unconscious will do such things. If it’s hurting here you’ll fix it there (Gestures), because you’re completely unconscious or inebriated. So whenever you’re miserable you want to fix that one and that one and that one; no, no, no; this one (Referring to oneself) needs to be fixed. If you put band-aid on the mirror it doesn’t heal your wounds. You have to attend to the wound. And both your miseries and joys are caused from inside. So it needs to be attended here, not somewhere else. The sooner you learn this, the more graceful and wonderful your life will become.
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  • Does God have a personal name?

    When we meet a stranger, and happen to engage in a conversation/s with them at some point in the conversation we do introduce ourselves, and in turn ask the person their name. Sometimes because we feel a connection, the person is very knowledgeable on the subject on which you both were speaking, this is a friendly person that I would like to become friends with him or her, or, both of you want to continue the conversation, then the next step is the exchange of phone numbers.
    The same is true with God, if we want to form a personal relationship with him, we have to continue conversing with him. As the above paragraph stated, having an ongoing conversation with someone, at some point you will know each other names, that’s how relationships are made and built. Whether it’s a relationship of friends, workmates, classmates, passing associates, cyber associates, names are known, some people who have ill and malicious intent choose to give a false name, nevertheless they give a name.
    We see how necessary and important a name is, It identifies who we are and in many cases what we are, and what we are about. The God of the Holy Writings are known to many by the titles god, lord, father, almighty, and other titles, which are correct, but the Holy Writings does states that he has a personal name.
    The Holy Writings states: “May people know that you, whose name is Jehovah, You alone are the Most High over all the earth.” So according to this verse in the Holy Writings, God do have a personal name, Jehovah. It’s a wonderful thing to know God’s name, that name is the key to building a personal relationship with God. Though it it’s impossible to know everything about God we should not stop learning everything we can about him.
    Other holy text to reference:
    “You must pray, then, this way: “‘Our Father in the heavens, let your name be sanctified.”
    “I have made your name known to them and will make it known,”
    King James Version “this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
    King James Version “And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it”
    This is the way the two above texts are translated in the King James version. In the case of what many calls the “our father prayer” This prayer is repeated by millions in the Global Community, most of which does not know God’s personal name or either refrains from using it. However, it seems that those who repeat this holy text, have not reason on one important fact. If I am told to hallow or sanctify a person’s name, should I not know what that name is?
    How do we know that Jehovah God wants us to draw close to him as a friend?

    BlakkroZe
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  • Get honest , direct Insight on #Love #Relationships and #2019 Book a Reading with me by Telephone, Skype, Email, Text or in person at Castlepoint #Bournemouth #TheTarotista #TarotReadings #Tarotbournemouth #PsychicBournemouth
    www.TheTarotista.co.uk
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  • https://stillnessinthestorm.com/2018/12/surviving-an-illuminati-cult-a-survivor-speaks-on-having-needs/
    Surviving an Illuminati Cult — A Survivor Speaks On Having Needs
    12/22/2018 BY STILLNESS IN THE STORM LEAVE A COMMENT

    (Svali) This is a guest article by someone who has written expressively and eloquently on how the survivor of cult abuse feels. Her name is niid la’i and she speaks for many of us about the isolation and loss of identity, the need to protect oneself after a lifetime of betrayals. The desire to learn to trust and be open. She calls it:

    Related Svali Illuminati Insider Articles

    Source – Svali Speaks

    by Svali, September 29th 2008

    On Having Need
    by Niid La’i

    This is an essay on need. Need is frightening to me. I don’t want to have need! The voices of programming inside start to shout at me when I acknowledge that I have needs. I am not supposed to have needs. I have always existed to serve others. I am supposed to be compliant, understanding, and forgiving, no matter what anyone does to me, or says to me. I am never supposed to express an opinion, or discontent or dissatisfaction.

    As a child, I learned to have a “nothing face.” This face was devoid of all expression. It was a face that hid a million feelings. Sometimes, even this expression was unacceptable. If it was misconstrued as sullen, then punishment descended on me anyway. I had to have at least a suggestion of a smile and contentment blended in with the nothing face. It was used when cult members were present and in the home with the mother and father.

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    I also have, what I call, “outside faces.” Outside faces are more readable. They were created to present a pleasant, calm, and amiable appearance to all people. The outside faces went to school, and to relatives’ homes, and to public places. As a small child people would comment on how quiet I was. As a teen-ager, and even now, many friends and acquaintances tell me I am so, “laid back!” What a joke! But it proves how well everyone inside has hidden behind the acceptable faces that afforded some safety.

    One problem this has created is a numbing affect. In order for the outside faces and the nothing face to function, needs and feelings had to be literally forgotten. If alters, which I call, “others, ” inside were too upset or anxious, there was a possibility of their emotions breaking through. Often in a cult gathering, members of the group would convince little others that if they had feelings inside, the members could tell. So, even if their facial expression was as it should be, the cult members would punish them for the feelings these “little people”, my name for little alters, were supposedly having. Because of this, others learned to deny their feelings and more others were created to hold feelings in far away worlds. Their needs were not recognized anymore either. Eventually they were as “nothing” inside as their faces learned to be on the outside.

    When one of my others was 6 years old she was being taught not to cry. I’m sure there were lots of other “lessons” already ingrained about showing emotions, but this is just one description of those indoctrination sessions. The memory, and I’m sure it is not complete, is of this small child standing naked in front of a male adult. He was sitting in a chair and all of a sudden he slapped her very hard on the cheek. Of course, she grabbed her cheek and started to cry. He removed her hand and hit her again and said simply, “Don’t cry!” She tried to stop but couldn’t. He continued to hit her cheek and repeat the words until her tears stopped and the only evidence of the pain was her labored breathing. I’m sure that at some point this little person inside fragmented into more others who could hold the sting of the slaps and even the tears away from the six year olds consciousness. Eventually she was able to stand dry eyed in front of her abuser and not even flinch. By the time this was accomplished her cheek and eye were so swollen and bruised that she could not go to school for more than a week.

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    Certainly, everyone who lives on the earth has the need to cry many times in his/her life. But for me, because of countless, repeated episodes of controlled programming such as the one just described, my need to cry was effectively shut off. Now, as an adult, though I need to cry, there are many times I can’t. I will feel tears begin to fill my eyes and my throat tighten up, but then all the symptoms just go away. I am left with an overwhelming sadness, a stomach- ache and extreme anxiety.

    Can I then tell anyone I am anxious, or sad, or feel sick? NO! Others inside have been taught equally well that they are not supposed to ask for relief or comfort. They should not even feel sad, or anxious or sick. If they do have these feelings, they think they are bad and evil for having them. They experience tremendous guilt and shame.

    In the present day, I find I don’t understand what is happening with my emotions. I go to the Dr. and get so anxious when I have to tell him/her what is wrong that I get tongue-tied and confused. The Dr. gets impatient and frustrated because my explanations are so disjointed. He/she misunderstands.. I try again, but I still can’t be clear. I am then judged incompetent and a hypochondriac. I am treated with lack of respect and in a mocking way. I don’t understand why I can’t talk to Drs. I feel stupid and ashamed for being so evasive and indirect.

    This happens because I am not supposed to need. If I am sick, I am not supposed to need help. I am not supposed to tell anyone I don’t feel good. I am not supposed to GET sick in the first place. This is ludicrous when considered logically. Everyone gets sick. But, the lessons are still so much a part of me, I think I am bad and evil for wanting medicine to feel better.

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    Let’s say I go to a therapy session. I am going to therapy because I am trying to resolve the conflicts I sense inside. Even being there is a serious breach of “the rules.” Again, I am admitting I have needs, and I am trying to talk to someone about them. Talking is akin to murder. It is a capital offense, and carries major consequences if broken. Therapy is all about talking! If I sit silent in front of my therapist then nothing is accomplished. If I speak to him I am buried in angry, shouting inner voices, pleading voices, scared voices. My body starts to hurt in various places. I cannot think again, and what I say comes out jumbled and incoherent. I get frustrated and panic-stricken. If my therapist shows even the slightest indication of impatience or perceived anger, everyone inside withdraws. All the others inside willing to watch and listen are so hyper alert they notice every movement, twitch and voice inflection the therapist has. This can seriously impede progress in therapy.

    Many times I have left a session thinking the therapist has labeled me needy and draining. This is because if I ask him/her for anything; reassurance, understanding, support, I think I am being overbearing and demanding. The very act of walking through the door of the office and being seen feels like asking for more than anyone should ever be asked to give. Indeed, I am supposed to go in there and figure out what the therapist needs and start supporting and taking care of him! Paradoxically if the therapist cannot return a rare phone call, or cannot be as supportive as I need him/her to be, I feel rejected and abandoned. So, I find myself in one of those double binds so common to survivors. If the therapist is supportive, etc. I feel bad and evil. If he is not supportive I feel bad and evil. This is all because I am not supposed to have any needs.

    What can happen, is that I get so worried about being needy, that I become needy!! By skirting around what I really want to say or ask for, those who are working with me have to guess at what I am really trying to ask or say. They can end up feeling manipulated, or like they are being forced to play some strange kind of game. Though this is not my intent, especially if they do not know me very well, my “halftalk,” as I call it, can create the very drain I am trying so hard not to inflict on others.

    It’s another trust issue. In order to heal, I have to trust before trust is really there to be able to learn to trust! I have to risk from the very foundation of my being. I wear the lessons of the past like a second skin. To begin removing this skin leaves me feeling touch tender and naked once again. I often feel like I am metaphorically standing in the middle of a busy freeway daring the cars not to hit me. That’s how vulnerable I feel as I try and shed the beliefs that have ruled me from the day I was born. I hate it when I am told I am comfortable living within the boundaries placed on me from the past. But, it is true. I have only known what I was so methodically programmed to believe.

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    Learning new ways is filled with as much pain and anxiety as the original abuse. As I discover and then acknowledge that I have needs, and attempt to trust these needs to “outsiders,” “big people,” i.e., therapist, Drs. and friends, I open myself up to the possibility of more hurt and misunderstanding. Though these people are not abusers, human beings are subject to making mistakes, responding from their own set of rules. The everyday problems in relationships that are bound to happen when people get together can seem as intense as the former abuse.

    Can the voices of programming ever be silenced? I hope so. At this point, I have to rely on my therapists and other caregivers to instruct me and guide me. I cannot offer concrete ways to implant trust in barren soil. What this essay offers is insight. I NEED those who read it to understand and be able to step beyond my walls of resistance and help me. I hope that as other survivors relate to these barriers that affect their healing they will also seek out people that can assist them to shed their old skins of the past. Now how’s this for breaking programming! Copyright 2000 Niid la’i:

    Thank you for your courage in opening your heart and sharing with others here. May what you wrote open the eyes of both therapists and support people to the tremendous issues that a survivor of ritual abuse struggles with in the healing process. -Svali
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